IT'S STEVE MCCLAREN! OH, BOLLOCKS.

For a reason known only to themselves, the FA have appointed Steve McClaren as next England manager, who will take over after the world cup.
A boring man, with no league success despite one of the Premiership's highest spending records and highest player wage bills.
His side has been inconsistent, and success in this season's UEFA cup must be put in context. Most of the sides in that competition wouldn't even survive in the Premiership.
Why the FA put a stranglehold on their decision by announcing last year it would be made before the World Cup, no one knows.
Not only have they possibly divided the England on the eve of the World Cup (will players want to play like they think Sven wants, or what Steve wants?) but they have lost the chance of signing a World Cup winning manager - something England haven't had since 1966.
A balls-up of cosmic proportions, resolved with a decision that is about as exciting as a Gary Neville back-pass.
We could have had a man that worked with Ronaldo and Ronaldinho.
Instead we have a man that looks like he should be working with Ronald McDonald.

ENGLAND APPOINT MCCLAREN: WHAT A FUCK UP#3

One of Steve McClaren's biggest signings for Middlesborough was Massimo Maccarone in July 2002 for £8.15 million.
In 2003, after a disappointing start at the club for the Italian striker, the new England manager said of the him; "We're expecting big things of Massimo next season."
Which next season was that exactly Steve?
In four years, Maccarone has not seen sight of the Italian national side despite two appearances before he joined, and has scored just 23 goals - less than Thierry Henry's total for this season alone. Nice buy, Steve. Great player development.
He's so shit you couldn't even sell the bald spoonfoot.
Still, not your problem now, is it?

ENGLAND APPOINT MCCLAREN: WHAT A FUCK UP#2

In April 2004, Steve McClaren tipped his old club Manchester United to overturn Arsenal's lead at the top of the Premiership.
Arsenal won the title comfortably, without losing a single game.
What a prat.

ENGLAND APPOINT MCCLAREN: WHAT A FUCK UP#1

After helping keep Middlesborough up after a narrow escape from relegation, Paul Okon, Australia's national captain and most capped international footballer, said this of Steve McClaren in 2002:
"Steve McClaren is a good coach but his management skills leave a lot to be desired. I would rather not say what I think of him as a bloke."

SVEN UNVEILS HIS SECRET WEAPON: ROBOTS

In a bid to win the World Cup, England is planning to field a team of look-a-like robots following the injury to Wayne Rooney.
The bionic Rooney, seen here in training with bionic John Terry and bionic Rio Ferdinand, looks almost identical to the real thing, though doesn't have spots or a rubbish bird who likes shopping, and is a bit broader across the shoulders.
"We've got the people from Madame Tussauds coming in to finish them off," said our FA insider. "They can't speak, but apart from that, they're the real deal. They never get tired, do what they are told, and you can put them in the boot of a car and take them home with you after the game."
Quite handy indeed.
"Plus the John Terry isn't on the phone to the bookies at half time either," he added. So what about the Rio one? "Sven turns him off and use him as a scarecrow in the garden," he told W.C.R.
Latest news is that the real Rooney is most likely NOT gonna make the finals.

OH BOLLOCKS

The moment England's World Cup hopes looked decidedly fucked.
Wayne Rooney breaks a bone in his foot and is unlikely, but not ruled out of the England side in Germany.
As Alan Hansen said "With Rooney, England had a really really good chance of winning the World Cup. Without him, they just have a chance. And that's it. A chance."
Rooney's team Manchester United lost the game against Chelsea 3-0, securing Chelsea's victory in the Premiership.