New Football Slang#1: "Chunky Wants A Biscuit"

In an attempt to reinvigorate conversation during football, World Cup Ranter is to provide you with a dialogue and sense of originality that will make you look slightly odd to your friends.
THIS WEEK: "CHUNKY WANTS A BISCUIT"
Brief Summary: When a massive central defender (chunky) with little ball skill makes a bid for glory with a run from his own half that ends in embarassment.
Full story: You've seen it happen. The biggest fella on the park, and he suddenly thinks he's Maradonna. The big centre half picks up the ball in the centre circle and effectively turns a centre forward, takes a couple of steps forward beats a midfielder, another midfielder and suddenly the space starts to open out in front of him. His next move should be to spread it to the wings or at the very least look for a side pass to an attacking midfielder.
But no, chunky doesn't do this. Because chunky thinks this is his moment. He can hear the crowd starting to cheer. And he has just beaten two players. He is suddenly a footballing god.
So he takes another touch of the ball and suddenly he's only 30 yards out from goal.
His face now showing the extreme concentration of a man out of his depth, he then takes another touch but over runs the ball this time.
Desperately trying to hit his stride to line up a shot, his legs start to overstretch.
His mistake has been spotted by an opposition player, who with his greater speed nips the ball away from chunky just before his foot follows through.
Chunky stumbles and falls to the floor, leaving the defence now vulnerable to a counter attack.
Attack over.
Why?
Chunky wants a biscuit.

EMBRACE SONG IS SHIT: LEARN THE JOHN BARNES WORLD IN MOTION RAP WITH WORLD CUP RANTER

I can't help still feeling cheated by the wanky Embrace song they've chosen as the official World Cup song for the England team.
I mean it's ok, but it's been chosen for TV companies to play over slow-mo highlights rather than for fans to have a sing-a-long to.
Anyway, as any En-ger-landers will know, in the pubs before the games they usually play the same old album of "classic" World Cup tunes.
While I've no doubt it will be "Three Lions" people will sing if we beat Germany in the final, the best of the bunch has to be New Order's World In Motion.
But what about the rap bit in the middle by John Barnes..? Are you up on the lyrics or are you going to be going "dur-dur-dur-dur-de-de" when it's on?
To help you, here are those inspiring lyrics performed by possibly the worst black man that has ever rapped. Although I haven't heard Rio Ferdinand yet.

You’ve got to hold and give
But do it at the right time
You can be slow or fast
But you must get to the line
They’ll always hit you and hurt you
Defend and attack
Theres only one way to beat them
Get round the back
Catch me if you can
Cos’ I’m the England man
And what you’re looking at
Is the master plan
We ain’t no hooligans
This ain’t a football song
Three lions on my chest
I know we can’t go wrong

Absolutely bloody awful... but kicks Embrace off the park!

There's more than John Barnes World In Motion rap to this blog - brilliant as it is - so have a look around. There's a curated selection of updates about the 2010 World Cup, and archives reminding you that it wasn't any good under Sven or Steve McLaren either.

Please visit World Cup Ranter's Nonsense Emporium full of World Cup stuff you won't want to miss

WHERE IN COCK'S NAME IS TOGO AND WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT FOOTBALL?

* Togo is a narrow strip of land between Ghana and, er, Benin, on the West Coast of Africa.
* They have a population of 5.1 million
* Three random facts: Their biggest export is cocoa, the official language is French, life expectancy of men is 52.
* Togo face South Korea, Switzerland and France in their world cup group. They were shock qualifiers, knocking out those footballing giants Senegal, Zambia and Mali.
* After a terrible African Nations Cup, they now have a German coach.
* Their star player is Arsenal centre forward, Adebayor.
* If they win the World Cup, I will run naked through the streets of the capital, Loma.

WORLD CUP MENTALISTS#1

As an Arsenal Fan, I've watched Jens Lehmann play plenty of times, and I can assure you he is several holes short of a full net.
It's fantastic that he's been given the nod ahead of that walking muppet Oliver Kahn in the German net. That way we get to see him in all his mental glory.
Don't get me wrong, Lehmann is a great keeper, and anyone thinking that some of his erratic behaviour means he's unreliable should think again.
But he does deliberately bump attackers, makes the most of any physical contact against him, and runs about like a demented geography teacher in a gym kit most of the time.
He's trod on people's toes, threw balls in their faces, and has the best chance of winning the staring competition in the tunnel, even if it's with a team mate.
He is, on the pitch, the world's funniest unfunny man, and completely, utterly, mental.
What a star.

BECKHAM DENIES ENGLAND SQUAD IS PLAGUED BY GAMBLING RIFTS: "I can only play snap"

Why doesn't that surprise me...

You wouldn't think he plays for Trinidad and Tobago, but he does...

Stafford-born Port Vale player Chris Birchall is a likely starter in the Trinidad and Tobago side that will line up against England in the finals.
Chris's mum is from Port of Spain, and he was the first white player in the T'n'T side for 20 years.