World Cup Ranter

I love to say it. I told you so.

2010-06-29T21:25:00.000+01:00

While most of England's media is enjoying the humilation, World Cup Ranter is not happy that the England side is out of this year's tournament. But I think that just as I did on June 11, the night before our first game, we all needed to calm down a bit.

The World Cup Squad we took would have been much more effective with an inform David Beckham and Theo Walcott - we were rarely effective on either flank (or anywhere else) with penetration that Walcott may have given us, or crosses which is one of the few parts of Beckham's game to justify his inclusion.

A fit and in form Rio Ferdinand would probably have stopped two of Germany's goals, though not have scored at the other end. I think we, like Manchester United, have missed the workrate that Owen Hargreaves gave us.

There are probably one or two other players who Capello might have picked ahead of those he took, if injuries weren't an issue (though I can't think of many more that would have made the games played). But World Cup Ranter put this tournament's disastrous performances down to no one but Fabio Capello, the manager that finessed us to the World Cup finals and then pissed our chances down the drain from the moment we qualified.

Here's WCR's guide to where the man who has managed more successful sides than I have blog posts, fucked well and truly up. Many are on the original assessment I made of the squad on the eve of the first game (unlike most of the English media), and a few were only able to be determined from the reports of our time in South Africa.

1) Gareth Barry - looked out of game practice and unfit. While our midfield was pretty terrible across the board, I still don't understand why Capello took Barry, and if he was going to take him, why he didn't he know who would already be his understudy. Carrick? Well, if it has to be him, play him in that position for the four games Barry was injured for rather than prat about during the tournament.

2) Not sticking to his self declared rules. "No one unfit and no one out of form" was bullshit. It might have got him respect during the qualifiers because the decisions were easy ones. But just like Steve McClaren before him, Capello sucked up to the players' egos and they repaid him with immaturity and lack of focus. While I agree for the captain you can bend the rules, so Rio is forgiven, and out of form Lampard and Gerrard are still pretty hard to set aside, but Barry (who was both unfit and out of form), Sean Wright Phillps (unpicked by Mancini), Carrick (out of form), Ledley King (permanently crippled who got the sympathy vote from commentators who should have known better for a tournament of 7 games in a month), Defoe (out of form), Joe Cole (out of form and unpicked) are those I can think of, and I bet there were one or two more.

3) The prisoner of war camp atmosphere at the Croydon-style accommodation was encouraged by Capello and the FA. Here is a man who was told it was the players' egos that had been at fault for the previous two managers' lack of success. Sven is a star fucker while Stevie was easily ignored by players who knew they deserved better and could have had better if the FA hadn't messed up signing that Brazillian who made a mess at Chelsea. Capello was the third way, a better record than Sven and no desire to mix it with the pretty wives and girlfriends of his youthful players. Obviously he was just better than Stevie Mac, in every possible way and we shouldn't forget that. But he was a miserable bastard that didn't stick to his own ever so stricked rules, let the players stew in their own lack of success, and thoroghly misjudged the difference of a five-day stay and a European qualifier and a trip a quarter of the way around the world in deserted luxury hide outs in Austria and South Africa for the best part of five weeks (including the warm ups and longer if we had gone further).

4) The reason we kept on losing is because once you see someone fail so badly at these fucking basics, and then watch him fiddle while Rome burned during seven halfs of football, the players knew that once again the FA had picked the wrong manager for England.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE SONGS GONE?

2010-06-20T11:29:00.000+01:00

Can't understand why the brilliant songs thought up by club fans never get transferred or adapted to England players so they can be sung at England games

Here's a facebook group. It won't make any difference.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=130625013626489

VISIT WORLD CUP RANTER'S NONSENSE EMPORIUM

BUY ENGLAND MEMORABILLIA BEFORE THEY START SELLING IT OFF CHEAP. NOW WITH VUVUZELAS.

2010-06-19T20:27:00.000+01:00

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DETAILED ANALYSIS IN SLOW MOTION OF ALL THE BEST ACTION FROM LAST NIGHT'S ENGLAND V ALGERIA WORLD CUP GAME

2010-06-19T19:46:00.001+01:00

VISIT WORLD CUP RANTER'S NONSENSE EMPORIUM

ELANO AND ROBINHO "JUST ABOUT GOOD ENOUGH TO WIN WORLD CUP" AFTER TAKING COMMIE SCALP

2010-06-15T23:41:00.000+01:00

But not good enough to get in the Man City team. Make of that what you will.

VISIT WORLD CUP RANTER'S NONSENSE EMPORIUM AT http://astore.amazon.co.uk/englishranter-21

New World Cup Ranter store

2010-06-13T14:57:00.001+01:00

All you could possibly need for the next four weeks. And then some.

CLICK HERE TO TRANSPORT ME TO THIS RETAIL WORLD CUP WONDERLAND

thanks.

"The players I choose will be fit and will have played a lot of games" - Fabio Capello, December 2009, Five Live

2010-06-13T12:32:00.000+01:00

Rio wasn't fit. King wasn't fit. Barry wasn't fit. England look short in defence without a partnership that understands each other in the centre. King was a risk, Carragher a bizarre choice, Rio poor luck. There's still plenty of time to pull this back, but it is starting to look like a shower of shite.

CAPELLO'S TACTIC TO NAME TEAM LATE BLAMED FOR ENGLAND DRAW

2010-06-13T12:16:00.000+01:00

Green was only told he was in goal at half time.

USA SHOCKED BY LATEST SPILLAGE

2010-06-13T12:12:00.000+01:00

Green vows "Oil be back", but no one believes him.

England world cup squad looks a bit shit, now I come to think of it

2010-06-11T02:34:00.000+01:00

Now don't get me wrong, on their day, this bunch of English hopefuls deserves to be compared with the best in the world. But let's take a look at the facts.

I am prepared to ignore the warm up games, they always remind me of boxing movies, but I think there are a few things we are ignoring in the mists of our hopes. Here's World Cup Ranter's paranoid English fan's guide to brush away those English rose tinted glasses.. forever...

Steven Gerrard. Yes, I think he's great. I wanted him to be captain more than Ferdinand. But he's looked a bit desperate recently, and I am worried he'll be overworked and underused just as in the bad old days.
Ferdinand. Without doubt a form worry if he had played, but without doubt an out of form Ferdinand is still better than a less than outstanding performance from his possible replacements. A big loss.
The Barry obsession. He is absolutely the right player for the job, but it feels like Pele has his leg up by the way the England manager has reacted. No one out of form, no one unfit, those were his rules. For a captain or a Rooney I can understand bending the rules. A Barry that hasn't played for months? Sorry, but he isn't good enough to hold up your team picks, planning, consistent formation and team spirit for.
Rooney. Looks brilliant. In the winter months.

Cole/Johnson - a pair of truly brilliantly skilled outstanding committed game-winning clowns.

Carrick/Carragher/Upson - bunch of arse.
King/Milner/SWP/Lennon/Heskey - Can't remember. Computer almost certainly says No.
Chelsea boys - depends if they've got their end away/would quite like to see Joe Cole is playing. Terry starting to look like competitive dad being beaten by his child.
In goal - There are bold pilots, and there are old pilots. But there are no, old, bold pilots. Anyone got a coin?

Theo looking "quite good" while Beckham, Lennon and the rest look injured

2010-03-27T14:32:00.001Z

Beckham's injured achilles' tendon has made the line-up for the right hand side of the midfield a little bit of a more straightforward prospect. But with Lennon still injured, SWP erratic, Theo not quite there and

Where is South Africa anyway? Let's take a look a this nuclear proliferation map to find out...

2010-03-27T14:28:00.001Z

Oh yes, there it is between the nuclear cake and the rabbit islands.

THEO WALCOTT NOT REALLY VERY GOOD AT THE MOMENT

2010-01-24T21:41:00.001Z

As an Arsenal fan I hate to say it but Theo Walcott's odds of a World Cup appearance this year must be getting bigger by the match. Young Theo was suffering from dislocated shoulders every match before his big op, and then after picking up a knock he's had only a handful of games. But anyone who has seen those games, will tell you Theo was a non entity in all bar one.
We are only half way through the season, and there is still time to turn it around - but not much. The next dozen premiership games will bring us right up to crunch time for Capello's world cup squad choices, and if Theo's world is to set into motion he needs to make sure that he's played a key part in keeping Arsenal in and amongst the top three.
Only the Gunners woeful injury list is likely to give Theo that chance, as right now about three other players that head him for that position in the Arsenal side if they are all fit (Nasri, Rosicky, Arshavin and Bendtner would probably all be picked ahead of him right now).
Here he is with his girlfiriend Melanie, celabrating her three A Levels. The way things are going she's likely to have a longer career than he is. Come on Theo!

Need a really cheap SEO solution?

2010-01-24T21:26:00.000Z

Great to see that World Cup Ranter is riding high in the SEO search term charts, despite being dormant for almost four years. Oh yes, you may mock, but there are a few keywords which you'll really struggle to take me out of the top 10 google search term results of.
For instance, I am sure that my blog has been overloaded with seekers of the John Barnes' rap in New Order's World in Motion. Well, indeed I am right. For the search terms "barnes rap lyrics" or "john barnes song lyrics" you'll find it number one.
Coming number two for "World in Motion Rap" isn't bad either.

So I'm sure the new updates won't need publicising, eh?

THE ONLY ENGLAND FOOTY WORLD CUP SONG AND VIDEO WORTH WATCHING

2006-06-16T12:05:00.000+01:00

Click here for dancing badgers

FA: ROONEY WILL FLY OUT ON JUNE 5

2006-05-26T11:53:00.000+01:00

That should shut Fergie up then.

ALEX FERGUSON: THE SCAB THAT JUST WON'T HEAL

2006-05-26T01:31:00.000+01:00

Listening to Man Utd manager Alex Ferguson is a bit like picking a scab off.
It always hurts, and sometimes you feel that the pain was worth it, because, underneath the skin has healed - and you feel quite pleased with the result.
Sometimes though all you do is open up the wound again, and wish you'd never bothered after revealing a load of blood and puss.
Fergie is a daunting opponent, and for that, he has the respect of W.C.R.
Right now, Ferguson's face goes from strawberry to plum at the very mention of Rooney.
Two days ago, news came out that he'd sacked the head physio at Manchester United. Talk is that it wasn't about the fact that the physio was on good terms with the FA, and giving them updates about the most famous foot in English soccer.(tmffies)
But it probably didn't help.
Then yesterday he was back at it. I can't give you the exact quote but it went along the lines of "there is no footballer in the world that can be ready to play after just two weeks back on his foot, not even him."
To qualify this, the foot guy who examined tmffies, said that it would be two weeks before he can resume full training, and four weeks before he could back in the contact sport that is football.
Rooney may still be named in the squad, but WCR is not convinced that it's a good idea for Sven to look like he's hopeful of his return. If he is really lucky, Rooney might make it if England qualify for the last 16.
Today Manchester United confirmed what the foot guy said, but that he will have a further scan on June 14 which could reveal tmffies has healed completely.
But WCR thinks the side has to start thinking Rooney won't be there, rather than he might.
Though Ferguson has admitted he puts Man Utd before England, maybe his realism is what the England squad needs.
Without Rooney we may not be good enough to win the World Cup, but if that's the case, are we doing damage to the psychology of the squad who may have the hope of Rooney returning in the back of their minds if we struggle through the qualifying group?
Because of the allure of playing in the world's greatest soccer tournament, and the pressure on the England unit to take Rooney along, it just may be that Ferguson's scepticism is actually worth a second look.
If it were a Champions League semi-final and final that Manchester United were waiting to find out if Rooney were fit for, I believe Ferguson would have still been as sceptical.
Because he knows it's better for the team to believe in themselves, rather than wait for someone to come and save them.
Rather than go head to head with Fergie, Sven and the England camp should play down Rooney's hopes of being fit - and pull him out as a wild card if the recovery really is possible.
But an unfit, and chubby Wayne Rooney that hasn't kicked a ball for six weeks isn't going to stand a chance in the World Cup.
No matter how good he is.

DID THE "B" STAND FOR BALLS UP? (That's what it looked like)

2006-05-25T22:45:00.000+01:00

England's B team lost 2-1 in a friendly against Belarus tonight.
But it was a night of good and bad for the England side...

Good
Michael Owen ran around for an hour not doing much, but at least he didn't get injured. He did set up the goal with a header (just don't mention he was three yards off side when the ball was played).

Bad
Robert Green, the number 3 goalie in the squad, fluffed a goal kick and sustained a groin injury that means he's out of the World Cup.

Good
Aaron Lennon was man of the match, and looked good despite some tight marking. He set up Crouch for a goal (though it was disallowed for off-side) and hit the bar with a chip.

Bad
England gave the ball away all over the place and looked pretty shit.

Good
The 2-1 scoreline is deceiving - one of the goals came while Green was lying on the ground holding his bollocks.

Bad
Belarus only had ten men for the final 20 minutes and still scored the winner in that time.

Good
Sven's got a nice new sun tan.

Bad
Michael Carrick looked shit, as did most of the B team midfield.

Good
Scott Carson will replace Green in the World Cup Squad

Bad
Belarus are pretty shit. Their star player, Arsenal's Hleb, was on holiday, strangely, in Germany.

Good
Er, that's it. Actually it was fucking awful. Theo Walcott came on and looked "lively". Very fast, and definitely alive.

SVEN: "WE WILL WIN"

2006-05-21T22:33:00.000+01:00

Amazing the boost of confidence you can get by knowing you are leaving your job after the tournament...

SEND FOR ONE OF THESE FREAKS

2006-05-19T21:19:00.000+01:00

Now that's what I call a mascot.
News that Goleo, the official World Cup mascot - a German lion (hmm, I can see something wrong with that already) has already sent the toy company that bought the rights to make the toys of him bust - made WCR think that maybe it was time to send for a sub.
(For this vital news and other shit see our brother site www.englishranter.com).
Even though these are American baseball mascots, we reckon they'd do better than a fucking lion in what look like oversized golf shoes and a talking ball.
Our vote goes for the Clam in the middle - his head can be a walking talking old fashioned football.
Nominate who you think the World Cup Mascot should be and send us a link.
Thanks to the rather lovely scientist www.ldbug.blogspot.com for the tip of where to find these fearsome fellows.

2006-05-18T01:19:00.000+01:00

...

2006-05-18T01:18:00.000+01:00

...

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL A MASCOT

2006-05-18T00:52:00.000+01:00

...unlike the shitty one Goleo they chose for the World Cup this year. He's even sent the toy company bust that bought the rights to him. See English Ranter for the full story. Meanwhile, I like Clammy Sosa the best. He's the, er, clam, in the middle.
Thanks to the rather lovely www.ldbug.blogspot.com for the tip about where to find the best mascots!

BET OF THE TOURNAMENT, FRED?

2006-05-17T23:07:00.000+01:00

No wonder he looks miserable. Arsenal's defeat to Barcelona in the European Cup Final may mean Thierry Henry leaves the gunners over the summer.
But those looking for the World Cup's top scorer could do worse than think about a bet on the Arsenal hero.
While Brazil's Ronaldo and Ronaldinho are both favoured above him in the betting, it's likely both Brazillians could share the goals if they get the success expected of them.
However, the French have possibly the easiest group of all to qualify from. Henry vs defenders from South Korea, Switzerland and, er, Togo could have a field day.
If he's on fire, a place as top scorer could be secured by the end of the group stages. And he's a top priced 16-1 with BetFred - who I don't believe are connected to the Brazillian international, but they are certainly generous with the price of the French genius, who is as low as 10-1 elsewhere.
Meanwhile if you are insane, or think that Ronaldo will keep eating pies and Ronaldinho will fall down the stairs of his mansion before the tournament, you could actually have a bet on the Brazillian striker Fred. Oddly, BetFred aren't offering a price, but Bluesq.com are offering 100-1.

FAVOURITES TAKE FRED TO THE WORLD CUP...

2006-05-16T10:01:00.000+01:00

...but he probably won't get a game. What a squad of footballing riches Brazil have, compared to the rest of us. Word has it that even tubby Ronaldo has given up the pies in readiness for the greatest sports show on earth.
17 of them have only one name - that's a sure sign of them being good, (apparently).
Only one player from the English Premiership makes the Brazil line-up, Arsenal's Gilberto Silva.

Goalkeepers: Dida (AC Milan), Julio Cesar (Inter Milan), Rogerio Ceni (Sao Paulo)

Defenders: Cafu (AC Milan), Cicinho (Real Madrid), Lucio (Bayern Munich), Juan (Bayer Leverkusen), Roberto Carlos (Real Madrid), Gilberto (Hertha Berlin), Cris (Olympique Lyon), Luisao (Benfica)

Midfielders: Edmilson (Barcelona), Juninho Pernambucano (Olympique Lyon), Emerson (Juventus), Ze Roberto (Bayern Munich), Gilberto Silva (Arsenal), Kaka (AC Milan), Ricardinho (Corinthians)

Forwards: Ronaldo (Real Madrid), Robinho (Real Madrid), Ronaldinho (Barcelona), Adriano (Inter Milan), Fred (Olympique Lyon).

1966 and all that. Bollocks we still won it.

2006-05-15T23:20:00.000+01:00

England cheated to win the 1966 World Cup.
Or at least, this goal that never was put them 3-2 up - and they went on to beat the Germans 4-2 with another goal on the break as they attacked to get a draw.
It's finally been proven by new high definition stuff.
Still, we still won it.
New technology can do everything but put a new name on the trophy... let's hope 40 years later the same can happen again.
Even with a dodgy decision.

MORIENTES OUT OF SPAIN WORLD CUP SQUAD (CESC FABREGAS IN)

2006-05-15T14:56:00.000+01:00

Despite an incredible International record that competes with the best strikers in the world, Liverpool striker Fernando Morientes has missed out on a place in the Spanish squad.
The striker has scored 27 goals from 34 appearances for his country, but only 9 goals this season for Liverpool, and has struggled to make the starting line up for the FA Cup winners that finished third in the Premiership.
Premiership stars that do make the squad include FA Cup penalty shoot-out hero Jose Reina, Liverpool midfielder Xabi Alonso and striker Luis Garcia, Chelsea's Asier Del Horno, as well as Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas and Jose Antonio Reyes.
Five of the squad will be starters in the Champions League Final between Arsenal and Barcelona on Wednesday night.

Goalkeepers: Iker Casillas (Real Madrid), Jose Reina (Liverpool), Santiago Canizares (Valencia)
Defenders: Carles Puyol (Barcelona), Michel Salgado (Real Madrid), Sergio Ramos (Real Madrid), Carlos Marchena (Valencia), Asier Del Horno (Chelsea), Antonio Lopez (Atletico Madrid), Pablo Ibanez (Atletico Madrid), Juanito Gutierrez (Real Betis)
Midfielders: David Albelda (Valencia), Xabi Alonso (Liverpool), Joaquin Sanchez (Real Betis), Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal), Andres Iniesta (Barcelona), Xavi Hernandez (Barcelona), Marcos Senna (Villarreal)
Strikers: Jose Antonio Reyes (Arsenal), David Villa (Valencia), Fernando Torres (Atletico Madrid), Raul Gonzalez (Real Madrid), Luis Garcia (Liverpool).

I WONDER WHAT THAT'S WORTH IN SCRABBLE? (Croatia name World Cup squad)

2006-05-12T13:56:00.000+01:00

Croatia squad:

Goalkeepers: Tomislav Butina (Club Bruges), Stipe Pletikosa (Hajduk Split), Joe Didulica (Austria Vienna)
Defenders: Robert Kovac (Juventus), Stjepan Tomas (Galatasaray), Dario Simic (AC Milan), Mario Tokic (Austria Vienna), Josip Simunic (Hertha Berlin), Igor Tudor (Siena), Marijan Buljat (Dinamo Zagreb)
Midfielders: Jerko Leko (Dynamo Kiev), Niko Kranjcar (Hajduk Split), Niko Kovac (Hertha Berlin), Marko Babic (Bayer Leverkusen), Darijo Srna (Shakhtar Donetsk), Ivan Leko (Club Bruges), Luka Modric (Dinamo Zagreb), Jurica Vranjes (Werder Bremen), Anthony Seric (Panathinaikos)
Forwards: Dado Prso (Rangers), Ivan Klasnic (Werder Bremen), Bosko Balaban (Club Bruges), Ivica Olic (CSKA Moscow), Ivan Bosnjak (Dinamo Zagreb).

Hurst grabs a bit Moore

2006-05-10T02:54:00.000+01:00

The BBC is offering you the chance to get your PC in the World Cup mood with this historic screensaver.
They've got a wanky one with Beckham looking stupid, but I reckon this one is better.
Go to free bbc world cup screensaver
and get yours if you like that kind of thing, and don't feel too gay about where Geoff Hurst's arm is in the pic.

SVEN TAKES A GAMBLE

2006-05-08T15:09:00.000+01:00

Taking Theo Walcott and Aaron Lennon to the World Cup is Sven's last roll of the dice as England manager. But I can't help thinking it's a gamble worth taking.
While Darren Bent and Shaun Wright-Phillips have a better argument on paper, it's great that Sven has gone on instinct rather than logic, and the truth is this:
* Chelsea have given Wright-Phillips run outs in their final games of the season, once the Premiership had been won. While I'm a fan of Shauny, he has, to be honest, looked crap. Too easily disposessed, none of the tricks have worked, and he's looked half the player he was.
The mental knocks of joining Chelsea for the cash and then not being played have taken their toll.
But despite wavering form from Duff and Robben in the second half of the season, Jose Mourinho has never given Wright-Phillips the nod, suggesting that he's been disappointing in training too. Aaron Lennon has been skinning world class full backs in the Premiership since the new year, and is only getting better.
If anything, he's a safer bet.
* Hands up, when we're 2-1 down against Brazil in the semis, who wants to bring on Darren Bent to take on those world class defenders and get you into the final?
Thought not.
While Theo Walcott is unproven, if Arsene Wenger wants to spend 12 million quid on a teenager, he really is that good.
Wayne Rooney wasn't daunted appearing in an England shirt at 17 - in fact he thrived on his debut. There's no reason why Walcott, who according to Wenger is faster than Thierry Henry and Ashley Cole, shouldn't make an impact in the same way.
But the truth is, it will only be to grab a late goal if England are losing, not to start up front for 90 minutes.
At times like that you need a bit of magic, not Darren Bent or Darius Vassell.
Walcott may have that magic, and just maybe, at last, might Sven.

LATEST: SVEN NAMES ENGLAND SQUAD - WALCOTT IN!

2006-05-08T14:34:00.000+01:00

23 Players that go to Germany...

Goalies
Paul Robinson (Tottenham)
David James (Manchester City)
Robert Green (Norwich City)

Defenders
Gary Neville (Manchester United)
Rio Ferdinand (Manchester United)
John Terry (Chelsea)
Ashley Cole (Arsenal)
Sol Campbell (Arsenal)
Jamie Carragher (Liverpool)
Wayne Bridge (Chelsea)

Midfielders
David Beckham (Real Madrid)
Michael Carrick (Tottenham Hotspur)
Frank Lampard (Chelsea)
Owen Hargreaves (Bayern Munich)
Steven Gerrard (Liverpool)
Jermaine Jenus (Totteham Hotspur)
Stewart Downing (Middlesborough)
Joe Cole (Chelsea)
Aaron Lennon (Tottenham Hotspur)

Forwards
Michael Owen (Newcastle United)
Wayne Rooney (Manchester United)
Peter Crouch (Liverpool)
Theo Walcott (Arsenal)

On Standby: Luke Young, Reo-Coker, Defoe, Johnson, Carson.

ROONEY FITNESS FEARS

2006-05-08T13:32:00.000+01:00

Still, at least his foot is looking a bit better.

IT'S STEVE MCCLAREN! OH, BOLLOCKS.

2006-05-05T01:52:00.000+01:00

For a reason known only to themselves, the FA have appointed Steve McClaren as next England manager, who will take over after the world cup.
A boring man, with no league success despite one of the Premiership's highest spending records and highest player wage bills.
His side has been inconsistent, and success in this season's UEFA cup must be put in context. Most of the sides in that competition wouldn't even survive in the Premiership.
Why the FA put a stranglehold on their decision by announcing last year it would be made before the World Cup, no one knows.
Not only have they possibly divided the England on the eve of the World Cup (will players want to play like they think Sven wants, or what Steve wants?) but they have lost the chance of signing a World Cup winning manager - something England haven't had since 1966.
A balls-up of cosmic proportions, resolved with a decision that is about as exciting as a Gary Neville back-pass.
We could have had a man that worked with Ronaldo and Ronaldinho.
Instead we have a man that looks like he should be working with Ronald McDonald.

ENGLAND APPOINT MCCLAREN: WHAT A FUCK UP#3

2006-05-05T01:34:00.000+01:00

One of Steve McClaren's biggest signings for Middlesborough was Massimo Maccarone in July 2002 for £8.15 million.
In 2003, after a disappointing start at the club for the Italian striker, the new England manager said of the him; "We're expecting big things of Massimo next season."
Which next season was that exactly Steve?
In four years, Maccarone has not seen sight of the Italian national side despite two appearances before he joined, and has scored just 23 goals - less than Thierry Henry's total for this season alone. Nice buy, Steve. Great player development.
He's so shit you couldn't even sell the bald spoonfoot.
Still, not your problem now, is it?

ENGLAND APPOINT MCCLAREN: WHAT A FUCK UP#2

2006-05-05T01:32:00.000+01:00

In April 2004, Steve McClaren tipped his old club Manchester United to overturn Arsenal's lead at the top of the Premiership.
Arsenal won the title comfortably, without losing a single game.
What a prat.

ENGLAND APPOINT MCCLAREN: WHAT A FUCK UP#1

2006-05-05T01:22:00.000+01:00

After helping keep Middlesborough up after a narrow escape from relegation, Paul Okon, Australia's national captain and most capped international footballer, said this of Steve McClaren in 2002:
"Steve McClaren is a good coach but his management skills leave a lot to be desired. I would rather not say what I think of him as a bloke."

SVEN UNVEILS HIS SECRET WEAPON: ROBOTS

2006-04-30T00:49:00.000+01:00

In a bid to win the World Cup, England is planning to field a team of look-a-like robots following the injury to Wayne Rooney.
The bionic Rooney, seen here in training with bionic John Terry and bionic Rio Ferdinand, looks almost identical to the real thing, though doesn't have spots or a rubbish bird who likes shopping, and is a bit broader across the shoulders.
"We've got the people from Madame Tussauds coming in to finish them off," said our FA insider. "They can't speak, but apart from that, they're the real deal. They never get tired, do what they are told, and you can put them in the boot of a car and take them home with you after the game."
Quite handy indeed.
"Plus the John Terry isn't on the phone to the bookies at half time either," he added. So what about the Rio one? "Sven turns him off and use him as a scarecrow in the garden," he told W.C.R.
Latest news is that the real Rooney is most likely NOT gonna make the finals.

OH BOLLOCKS

2006-04-30T00:33:00.000+01:00

The moment England's World Cup hopes looked decidedly fucked.
Wayne Rooney breaks a bone in his foot and is unlikely, but not ruled out of the England side in Germany.
As Alan Hansen said "With Rooney, England had a really really good chance of winning the World Cup. Without him, they just have a chance. And that's it. A chance."
Rooney's team Manchester United lost the game against Chelsea 3-0, securing Chelsea's victory in the Premiership.

MAD DUTCH ARCHITECT BUILDS GIANT FOOTBALL HOUSE TO WATCH WORLD CUP IN. IN MALAWI.

2006-04-29T02:40:00.000+01:00

I like this. It's mental.
Apparently he likes football.
A lot.
Makes a change from a mock tudor mansion in St Albans.
If George Best were alive and still playing footie, he'd have one for deffo.

SCOLARI PULLS OUT OF ENGLAND JOB BECAUSE OF DEATH THREATS TO HIS FAMILY FROM A "PSYCHO"

2006-04-29T02:21:00.000+01:00

Rumours that Stuart Pearce bought a "Learn to Swear In Portugese" book this week are completely unfounded.

WORLD CUP MENTALISTS#2 Portugal Coach (and possible future England manager) Luiz Felipe Scolari

2006-04-28T17:14:00.000+01:00

The World Cup winning Brazilian coach and current Portugese manager is a world class mentalist.
The future England manager is known for his erratic and unusual style, including using astrology, Chinese military strategies, and violence to get his team to win.
Here's a summary of some of his techniques:
* Before a vital game in the last World Cup against Belgium he let the press and fans watch an entire training session (rather than the conventional first ten minutes before the doors are closed). Everyone saw their free kicks, corners, formation, and likely line-up. He didn't care, he wanted to intimidate - and Brazil went on to win the game.
* He used several astrologers to help pick a team before one big match, but after they lost rather than ditch astrology, he sacked one of the astrologers and kept using the rest.
* He has delivered Chinese military strategies to players hotel rooms in preparation for a game
* As a player he was known as "the truck" because of his no nonsense tackling.
* He called fans of top Brazilian club Palmeiras "peanut eaters" - while he was their manager
* He has punched a football journalist and a rival coach in his time
* Asked a referee for a fight after the game when he was banned from the touchline
* Once said Pele "knows nothing about football"
But he's still widely considered as the best coach in the world, after taking Portugal to the finals of the European Cup just two years after winning the World Cup with Brazil.
World Cup Ranter is shocked the FA have offered him half the pay of the current coach Sven Goran Errikson, who, as coach of one of the most expensive teams in world football, has WON FUCK ALL.
Bring on the mentalist. Bring on the World Cup. We can't wait!

ARSENAL REACH EUROPEAN CUP FINAL...

2006-04-27T13:41:00.000+01:00

Where they will face Barcelona on May 14.
Ok, so I know it's not exactly a world cup story but what did you expect from a blog run by an Arsenal fan?
Thanks to the brilliant photographer Floydy C for the pic, taken in London at the National Gallery, yesterday.

SCOLARI: "THEY'LL BE SOME NEW FACES IN THE ENGLAND TEAM IF I TAKE OVER"

2006-04-27T02:46:00.000+01:00

Rooney asks: "Can I have one please boss?"

New Football Slang#1: "Chunky Wants A Biscuit"

2006-04-21T00:44:00.000+01:00

In an attempt to reinvigorate conversation during football, World Cup Ranter is to provide you with a dialogue and sense of originality that will make you look slightly odd to your friends.
THIS WEEK: "CHUNKY WANTS A BISCUIT"
Brief Summary: When a massive central defender (chunky) with little ball skill makes a bid for glory with a run from his own half that ends in embarassment.
Full story: You've seen it happen. The biggest fella on the park, and he suddenly thinks he's Maradonna. The big centre half picks up the ball in the centre circle and effectively turns a centre forward, takes a couple of steps forward beats a midfielder, another midfielder and suddenly the space starts to open out in front of him. His next move should be to spread it to the wings or at the very least look for a side pass to an attacking midfielder.
But no, chunky doesn't do this. Because chunky thinks this is his moment. He can hear the crowd starting to cheer. And he has just beaten two players. He is suddenly a footballing god.
So he takes another touch of the ball and suddenly he's only 30 yards out from goal.
His face now showing the extreme concentration of a man out of his depth, he then takes another touch but over runs the ball this time.
Desperately trying to hit his stride to line up a shot, his legs start to overstretch.
His mistake has been spotted by an opposition player, who with his greater speed nips the ball away from chunky just before his foot follows through.
Chunky stumbles and falls to the floor, leaving the defence now vulnerable to a counter attack.
Attack over.
Why?
Chunky wants a biscuit.

EMBRACE SONG IS SHIT: LEARN THE JOHN BARNES WORLD IN MOTION RAP WITH WORLD CUP RANTER

2006-04-20T19:08:00.002+01:00

I can't help still feeling cheated by the wanky Embrace song they've chosen as the official World Cup song for the England team.
I mean it's ok, but it's been chosen for TV companies to play over slow-mo highlights rather than for fans to have a sing-a-long to.
Anyway, as any En-ger-landers will know, in the pubs before the games they usually play the same old album of "classic" World Cup tunes.
While I've no doubt it will be "Three Lions" people will sing if we beat Germany in the final, the best of the bunch has to be New Order's World In Motion.
But what about the rap bit in the middle by John Barnes..? Are you up on the lyrics or are you going to be going "dur-dur-dur-dur-de-de" when it's on?
To help you, here are those inspiring lyrics performed by possibly the worst black man that has ever rapped. Although I haven't heard Rio Ferdinand yet.

You’ve got to hold and give
But do it at the right time
You can be slow or fast
But you must get to the line
They’ll always hit you and hurt you
Defend and attack
Theres only one way to beat them
Get round the back
Catch me if you can
Cos’ I’m the England man
And what you’re looking at
Is the master plan
We ain’t no hooligans
This ain’t a football song
Three lions on my chest
I know we can’t go wrong

Absolutely bloody awful... but kicks Embrace off the park!

There's more than John Barnes World In Motion rap to this blog - brilliant as it is - so have a look around. There's a curated selection of updates about the 2010 World Cup, and archives reminding you that it wasn't any good under Sven or Steve McLaren either.

Please visit World Cup Ranter's Nonsense Emporium full of World Cup stuff you won't want to miss

WHERE IN COCK'S NAME IS TOGO AND WHAT DO THEY KNOW ABOUT FOOTBALL?

2006-04-20T11:36:00.000+01:00

* Togo is a narrow strip of land between Ghana and, er, Benin, on the West Coast of Africa.
* They have a population of 5.1 million
* Three random facts: Their biggest export is cocoa, the official language is French, life expectancy of men is 52.
* Togo face South Korea, Switzerland and France in their world cup group. They were shock qualifiers, knocking out those footballing giants Senegal, Zambia and Mali.
* After a terrible African Nations Cup, they now have a German coach.
* Their star player is Arsenal centre forward, Adebayor.
* If they win the World Cup, I will run naked through the streets of the capital, Loma.

WORLD CUP MENTALISTS#1

2006-04-19T02:27:00.000+01:00

As an Arsenal Fan, I've watched Jens Lehmann play plenty of times, and I can assure you he is several holes short of a full net.
It's fantastic that he's been given the nod ahead of that walking muppet Oliver Kahn in the German net. That way we get to see him in all his mental glory.
Don't get me wrong, Lehmann is a great keeper, and anyone thinking that some of his erratic behaviour means he's unreliable should think again.
But he does deliberately bump attackers, makes the most of any physical contact against him, and runs about like a demented geography teacher in a gym kit most of the time.
He's trod on people's toes, threw balls in their faces, and has the best chance of winning the staring competition in the tunnel, even if it's with a team mate.
He is, on the pitch, the world's funniest unfunny man, and completely, utterly, mental.
What a star.

BECKHAM DENIES ENGLAND SQUAD IS PLAGUED BY GAMBLING RIFTS: "I can only play snap"

2006-04-19T02:17:00.000+01:00

Why doesn't that surprise me...

You wouldn't think he plays for Trinidad and Tobago, but he does...

2006-04-19T02:09:00.000+01:00

Stafford-born Port Vale player Chris Birchall is a likely starter in the Trinidad and Tobago side that will line up against England in the finals.
Chris's mum is from Port of Spain, and he was the first white player in the T'n'T side for 20 years.

Welcome To World Cup Ranter

2006-04-15T16:07:00.000+01:00

Who's gonna win then?